NEWS FLASH!!!

Press Release: Hank celebrates his birthday
August 19, 2008

International superstar Hank celebrates his birthday today in Berkeley California, as he takes a break from the recording of his upcoming album, Chardonnay. In the past few months, Hank has been spotted in London, Portugal, and Detroit, collaborating with the likes of Grace Jones, Mark Ronson, and Allison Goldfrapp on the album that Rolling Stone anticipates to be “more fun than a night in donkey masks.”




Rumors were rampant that Hank was slated to be the opening act for Madonna’s Hard Candy tour, but those rumors have been adamantly denied. “Hell no,” he was overheard saying at Beckham’s annual fundraiser last week in Bora Bora, “My sugar ain’t THAT raw.”


It’s been quite a year for Hank. Early in the year, his refusal to pair with Amy Winehouse on the James Bond theme song earned him a “difficult” label by the UK Press. Soon afterwards, Hank gave $2,000,000 to the “English Ladies Tea Fund” and became a darling of the tabloids as he was seen out and about with seasoned socialites.


Earlier this summer, Krug stock went up 35% when Hank became the spokesperson for the champagne company. The “I only drink Krug when I’m naked” campaign was so racy that it was only shown in Denmark and Brazil. Still, American’s went mad over the endorsement, and Krug became the drink of choice by everyone from Diddy to Lohan. There are talks of a Krug wine cooler being released later this fall.


Hank made more news last month when he was captured on tape outside a San Francisco club, “Aunt Charlies,” planting trees and bushes. “I’m trying to green this mOt*herF*cker,” he yelled at passerbys. He was taken in on charges of disorderly landscaping, and threatening a drag queen with an Elsbeere branch. He served 2 hours community service go-go dancing at Badlands.

So, what’s next for Hank? “Pregnancy, a TV Show on VH1, a line of designer jean shorts, and the construction of a $5 million dollar Jindo rescue center,” he yelled to reporters as he drove away on his Ducati.

Sounds ambitious, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s Hank.